Sincere plea for healing

Dear Swamiji,
I feel that true healing is possible if i actually write my feelings to you
Ever since i met you my life have changed
There is no day i that goes by withough praying to you
I never bowed to anyone and finally i saw in you my guru, God, family, All
But when a friend of mine sent me the link of this video
I went in shock
I didnot watch the video
But I felt so much pain
I cryed all the time thinking in of the pain of all the other devotees
thinking of the ashram being attacked,
the ashram that i feel is my real home, the place i would love to live sometime
(when you call to me again)
the confusion was too much to bear

I wondered if I was true devotee myself

I didnot judge if you had a love partner,
because the behaviour of the divine, specially for someone that is not enlighted, is not possible to understand
I always saw you as an incarnation of Shiva
and that makes it more unpredictale since all the stories about Lord Shiva are also sometimes shocking too
But I didnot hear from you if it was true or not,
which would not have affected what i feel about your teachings
but the delay was so long
in the mean time i experience anger, sadness,
and then strenght came back to me

I remember all the bliss i have experience in your presence
all the amazing things that have occured because of your teachings
i wonder if they were all imagination and suggestion

I open a page of a book of you
and there a teaching about how by worshiping Lord Shiva
comes back and make you stronger
devotion towards Shiva is devotion towards yourself
there i felt it was that unmovable strength and security i was experiencing
security about my believe and who i am
and what i have see in you

Now i feel a little disconected,
I wish i could be in your precense once again.
I can only pray for healing of All
I also feel bad that you have to go through all this
face so many accusations, when you should only be adored.

Swamiji, I am feeling ashamed for the moments I doubted you,
That I think is stoping me from feeling connected to you.
please send healing to all that are feeling like me.

Sincerely
Tania Valle.